How I hacked online dating

图片 1


TED简介:2016 |Aimee·韦伯 (Amy韦布)在恋爱网运气不好——看上的人不回复,约她的人又谈不拢(还有更糟的)。所以,那位数据迷伊始列表运算找幸福。来听听他如何玩转婚恋网,把烦人的境遇化为改变命局的欢畅机遇。

演讲者:Amy Webb艾米·韦伯



【TED心绪】艾美 韦布:玩转婚恋网_标清_腾讯视频


So my name is Amy Webb, and a few years ago I found myself at the end of
yet another fantastic relationship that came burning down in a
spectacular fashion. And I thought, what’s wrong with me? I don’t
understand why this keeps happening.


So I asked everybody in my life what they thought. I turned to my
grandmother, who always had plenty of advice, and she said, “Stop being
so picky. You’ve got to date around. And most importantly, true love
will find you when you least expect it.”

“别太挑剔了” “你得多跟人谈谈” “还有,最重点的是,放任自流缘分始终会来的“

Now as it turns out, I’m somebody who thinks a lot about data, as you’ll
soon find. I am constantly swimming in numbers, formulas and charts. I
also have a very tight-knit family, and I’m very, very close with my
sister,and as a result, I wanted to have the same type of family when I
grew up.


So I’m at the end of this bad breakup, I’m 30 years old, I figure I’m
probably going to have to date somebody for about six months before I’m
ready to get monogamous and before we can sort of cohabitate, and we
have to do that for a while before we can get engaged. And if I want to
start having children by the time I’m 35, that meant that I would have
had to have been on my way to marriage five years ago. So that wasn’t
going to work.


If my strategy was to least-expect my way into true love, then the
variable that I had to deal with was serendipity. In short, I was trying
to figure out what’s the probability of my finding Mr. Right? Well, at
the time I was living in the city of Philadelphia, and it’s a big city,
and I figured, in this entire place, there are lots of possibilities. So
again, I started doing some math. Population of Philadelphia: it has 1.5
million people. I figure about half of that are men, so that takes the
number down to 750,000.


I’m looking for a guy between the ages of 30 and 36, which was only four
percent of the population, so now I’m dealing with the possibility of
30,000 men. I was looking for somebody who was Jewish, because I am and
that was important to me.That’s only 2.3 percent of the population.I
figure I’m attracted to maybe one out of 10 of those men, and there was
no way I was going to deal with somebody who was an avid golfer. So that
basically meant there were 35 men for me that I could possibly date in
the entire city of Philadelphia.


In the meantime, my very large Jewish family was already all married and
well on their way to having lots and lots of children, and I felt like I
was under tremendous peer pressure to get my life going already.


So I have two possible strategies at this point I’m sort of figuring
out. One, I can take my grandmother’s advice and sort of least-expect my
way into maybe bumping into the one out of 35 possible men in the entire
1.5-million-person city of Philadelphia, or I could try online dating.


Now, I like the idea of online dating, because it’s predicated on an
algorithm, and that’s really just a simple way of saying I’ve got a
problem, I’m going to use some data, run it through a system and get to
a solution.So online dating is the second most popular way that people
now meet each other, but as it turns out, algorithms have been
around for thousands of years in almost every culture. In fact, in
Judaism, there were matchmakers a long time ago, and though they didn’t
have an explicit algorithm per se, they definitely were running through
formulas in their heads, like, is the girl going to like the boy?


Are the families going to get along? What’s the rabbi going to say? Are
they going to start having children right away? The matchmaker would
sort of think through all of this, put two people together, and that
would be the end of it. So in my case, I thought, well, will data and an
algorithm lead me to my Prince Charming? So I decided to sign on.


Now, there was one small catch. As I’m signing on to the various dating
websites, as it happens, I was really, really busy. But that actually
wasn’t the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that I hate filling
out questionnaires of any kind, and I certainly don’t like
questionnaires that are like Cosmo quizzes. So I just copied and pasted
from my résumé.


So in the descriptive part up top, I said that I was an award-winning
journalist and a future thinker. When I was asked about fun activities
and my ideal date, I said monetization and fluency in Japanese. I talked
a lot about JavaScript.


So obviously this was not the best way to put my most sexy foot
forward. But the real failure was that there were plenty of men for me
to date. These algorithms had a sea full of men that wanted to take me
out on lots of dates — what turned out to be truly awful dates.


There was this guy Steve, the I.T. guy. The algorithm matched us up
because we share a love of gadgets, we share a love of math and data and
’80s music, and so I agreed to go out with him. So Steve the I.T. guy
invited me out to one of Philadelphia’s white-table-cloth, extremely
expensive restaurants.


And we went in, and right off the bat, our conversation really wasn’t
taking flight, but he was ordering a lot of food. In fact, he didn’t
even bother looking at the menu. He was ordering multiple appetizers,
multiple entrées, for me as well, and suddenly there are piles and piles
of food on our table, also lots and lots of bottles of wine.


So we’re nearing the end of our conversation and the end of dinner, and
I’ve decided Steve the I.T. guy and I are really just not meant for each
other, but we’ll part ways as friends, when he gets up to go to the
bathroom,and in the meantime, the bill comes to our table. And listen,
I’m a modern woman. I am totally down with splitting the bill. But then
Steve the I.T. guy didn’t come back.


And that was my entire month’s rent.(Audience gasps)So needless to say,
I was not having a good night. So I run home, I call my mother, I call
my sister, and as I do, at the end of each one of these terrible,
terrible dates, I regale them with the details. And they say to me,”Stop


“You’re just being too picky.”

随后她们对本人说 “别埋怨了” (笑声) “你就是太挑”

So I said, fine, from here on out I’m only going on dates where I know
there’s Wi-Fi, and I’m bringing my laptop. I’m going to shove it into my
bag, I’m going to have this email template, and I’m going to fill it out
and collect information on all these different data points during the
date to prove to everybody that empirically,these dates really are


So I started tracking things like really stupid, awkward, sexual
remarks; bad vocabulary; the number of times a man forced me to
high-five him.So I started to crunch some numbers, and that allowed me
to make some correlations. So as it turns out, for some reason, men who
drink Scotch reference kinky sex immediately.


Well, it turns out that these probably weren’t bad guys. There were just
bad for me. And as it happens, the algorithms that were setting us
up, they weren’t bad either. These algorithms were doing exactly what
they were designed to do, which was to take our user-generated
information, in my case, my résumé, and match it up with other people’s
information. See, the real problem here is that, while the algorithms
work just fine,you and I don’t, when confronted with blank windows where
we’re supposed to input our information online.Very few of us have the
ability to be totally and brutally honest with ourselves.


The other problem is that these websites are asking us questions like,
are you a dog person or a cat person? Do you like horror films or
romance films? I’m not looking for a pen pal. I’m looking for a husband.
Right? So there’s a certain amount of superficiality in that data.


So I said fine, I’ve got a new plan. I’m going to keep using these
online dating sites, but I’m going to treat them as databases, and
rather than waiting for an algorithm to set me up, I think I’m going to
try reverse-engineering this entire system. So knowing that there was
superficial data that was being used to match me up with other people, I
decided instead to ask my own questions. What was every single possible
thing that I could think of that I was looking for in a mate?


So I started writing and writing and writing, and at the end, I had
amassed 72 different data points. I wanted somebody was Jew-ish, so I
was looking for somebody who had the same background and thoughts on our
culture, but wasn’t going to force me to go to shul every Friday and
Saturday. I wanted somebody who worked hard, because work for me is
extremely important, but not too hard.


For me, the hobbies that I haveare really just new work projects that
I’ve launched. I also wanted somebody who not only wanted two
children, but was going to have the same attitude toward parenting that
I do, so somebody who was going to be totally okay with forcing our
child to start taking piano lessons at age three, and also maybe
computer science classes if we could wrangle it. So things like that,
but I also wanted somebody who would go to far-flung, exotic places,
like Petra, Jordan. I also wanted somebody who would weigh 20 pounds
more than me at all times, regardless of what I weighed.


So I now have these 72 different data points, which, to be fair, is a
lot. So what I did was, I went through and I prioritized that list. I
broke it into a top tier and a second tier of points, and I ranked
everything starting at 100and going all the way down to 91, and listing
things like I was looking for somebody who was really smart,who would
challenge and stimulate me, and balancing that with a second tier and a
second set of points.These things were also important to me but not
necessarily deal-breakers.

有了那74个数据点,说实话还真不少了,接下去本身收拾出预先次序,分两层排列那一个数据点。然后从100 排到91?写的有本身梦想找三个很聪明伶俐的人、壹个方可给自个儿带来挑衅和刺激的人,然后在其次层放上其余一组数据点这几个对自家一样关键,但不是必不可少。

So once I had all this done, I then built a scoring system, because what
I wanted to do was to sort of mathematically calculate whether or not I
thought the guy that I found online would be a match with me. I figured
there would be a minimum of 700 points before I would agree to email
somebody or respond to an email message. For 900 points, I’d agree to go
out on a date, and I wouldn’t even consider any kind of
relationship before somebody had crossed the 1,500 point threshold.

是或不是匹配 我和网站人选是或不是协作。小编想对方至少要达标700分,才给她发电子邮件大概回信。达到900分才答应约会,我不会随随便便投入心思,除非对方超越1500分才得以考虑。

Well, as it turns out, this worked pretty well. So I go back online
now. I found Jewishdoc57 who’s incredibly good-looking, incredibly
well-spoken, he had hiked Mt. Fuji, he had walked along the Great
Wall. He likes to travel as long as it doesn’t involve a cruise
ship. And I thought, I’ve done it! I’ve cracked the code. I have just
found the Jewish Prince Charming of my family’s dreams.


There was only one problem: He didn’t like me back. And I guess the one
variable that I haven’t consideredis the competition. Who are all of the
other women on these dating sites? I found SmileyGirl1978. She said she
was a “Fun girl who is Happy and Outgoing.” She listed her job as
“teacher.” She said she is “silly, nice and friendly.” She likes to make
people laugh “alot.”

“欢乐、活泼、有趣的女孩” 她填写的职业是教授,她说她 “很傻
很友善“ “平日”爱逗大家笑。

At this moment I knew, clicking profile after profile that looked like
this, that I needed to do some market research. So I created 10 fake
male profiles. Now, before I lose all of you –understand that I did
this strictly to gather data about everybody else in the system. I
didn’t carry on crazy Catfish-style relationships with anybody. I really
was just scraping their data. But I didn’t want everybody’s data. I only
wanted data on the women who were going to be attracted to the type of
man that I really, really wanted to marry.


When I released these men into the wild, I did follow some rules. So I
didn’t reach out to any woman first. I just waited to see who these
profiles were going to attract, and mainly what I was looking at was two
different data sets. So I was looking at qualitative data, so what was
the humor, the tone, the voice, the communication style that these women
shared in common?


And also quantitative data, so what was the average length of their
profile, how much time was spent between messages? What I was trying to
get at here was that I figured, in person, I would be just as
competitive as a SmileyGirl1978. I wanted to figure out how to maximize
my own profile online.


Well, one month later, I had a lot of data, and I was able to do another
analysis. And as it turns out, content matters a lot. So smart people
tend to write a lot — 3,000, 4,000, 5,000 words about themselves, which
may all be very, very interesting. The challenge here, though, is that
the popular men and women are sticking to 97 words on average that are
written very, very well, even though it may not seem like it all the

——叁 、4千吗至5千字自作者介绍。恐怕的确十三分可怜有趣,但很难匹敌/最受欢迎男女精选的9三个字,固然大家不肯定感觉拿到高手们的别的1个剑客锏是不特定语言。

The other hallmark of the people who do this well is that they’re using
non-specific language. So in my case,”The English Patient” is my most
favorite movie ever, but it doesn’t work to use that in a
profile, because that’s a superficial data point, and somebody may
disagree and decide they don’t want to go out because they didn’t like
sitting through the three-hour movie.

以本人为例你看 “United Kingdom病人”

Also, optimistic language matters a lot. So this is a word
cloud highlighting the most popular words that were used by the most
popular women, words like “fun” and “girl” and “love.” And what I
realized was not that I had to dumb down my own profile. Remember, I’m
somebody who said that I speak fluent Japanese and I know JavaScript and
I was okay with that. The difference is that it’s about being more
approachable and helping people understand the best way to reach out to

“有趣” “女孩” 还有 “爱”

And as it turns out, timing is also really, really important. Just
because you have access to somebody’s mobile phone number or their
instant message account and it’s 2 o’clock in the morning and you happen
to be awake, doesn’t mean that that’s a good time to communicate with
those people. The popular women on these online sites spend an average
of 23 hours in between each communication. And that’s what we would
normally do in the usual process of courtship.


And finally — there were the photos. All of the women who were popular
showed some skin. They all looked really great, which turned out to be
in sharp contrast to what I had uploaded.


Once I had all of this information, I was able to create a super
profile, so it was still me, but it was me optimized now for this
ecosystem. And as it turns out, I did a really good job. I was the most
popular person online.


And as it turns out, lots and lots of men wanted to date me. So I call
my mom, I call my sister, I call my grandmother. I’m telling them about
this fabulous news, and they say, “This is wonderful! How soon are you
going out?” I said, “Actually, I’m not going to go out with
anybody.” Because remember, in my scoring system, they have to reach a
minimum threshold of 700 points, and none of them have done that. They
said, “What? You’re still being too damn picky.”

“真棒 !“ “几时早先约会呀?” 然后自身说
“嗯,小编不会跟其他二个约会的” 因为记得呢,要在计分系统至少达到700分才行,那个男人们都还不够,她们就说

Well, not too long after that, I found this guy, Thevenin, and he said
that he was culturally Jewish, he said that his job was an arctic baby
seal hunter, which I thought was very clever. He talked in detail about
travel.He made a lot of really interesting cultural references. He
looked and talked exactly like what I wanted, and immediately, he scored
850 points. It was enough for a date.


Three weeks later, we met up in person for what turned out to be a
14-hour-long conversation that went from coffee shop to restaurant to
another coffee shop to another restaurant, and when he dropped me back
off at my house that night I re-scored him –[1,050 points!]

几个礼拜之后大家会见,谈了起码14小时。从咖啡店到饭馆到另一家咖啡店,再到下一家餐厅。那天夜里他送我回家今后小编再也评估 [1,050分!]

Thought, you know what, this entire time, I haven’t been picky
enough. Well, a year and a half after that, we were non-cruise ship
traveling through Petra, Jordan, when he got down on his knee and
proposed. A year after that, we were married, and about a year and a
half after that, our daughter, Petra, was born.

如上所述,笔者直接还不够挑剔。一年半事后大家去畅游,当然没有坐游船。在约旦的佩德拉,他单膝下跪,表白。一年之后大家结合,又过了一年半大家的姑娘佩德拉出生了 。

Audience: Oh![What it means…]Obviously, I’m having a fabulous life,
so –The question is, what does all of this mean for you?

可以看看自身很享受那段美好人生,然则 (笑声)——难点是这一切对您有怎么着意义?

Well, as it turns out, there is an algorithm for love. It’s just not the
ones that we’re being presented with online. In fact, it’s something
that you write yourself. So whether you’re looking for a husband or a
wife or you’re trying to find your passion or you’re trying to start a
business, all you have to really do is figure out your own framework and
play by your own rules, and feel free to be as picky as you want.


Well, on my wedding day, I had a conversation again with my
grandmother, and she said, “All right, maybe I was wrong. It looks like
you did come up with a really, really great system. Now, your matzah
balls … They should be fluffy, not hard.”

“好吧,只怕是本人错了“ “看来,你真的做了” “二个,很棒很厉害的系统“ “然而您的玛索球” “该软和些不可以太硬了”

And I’ll take her advice on that.



图片 2

转发需注脚:来自TED与纪录片 ID:TEDMORE




**【 最 热 TED 】**






纪录片 |


【 入 群 】

TED | 观后感交换群 | TED打卡群



打赏通道 存钱买小鸡腿

请在备考中留给名字 让作者知道您是哪个人~

图片 3

▼点击原文 到TED官网看本期